When couples have been together for a long time, they are prone to quarrels. When they quarrel, they say harsh words. Even though they know that they are not what they think in their hearts, they still can't help but say some hurtful words:
"At the beginning, Why are we with you?"
"Look at other people's families, and then look at you."
"You are such a person and you will never change. ”
These words may only be said when you are angry. When you reconcile, you are back to your previous gentle self, but you will still encounter the same problem the next time you quarrel.
Why do people who are closer to each other speak harsher words when they quarrel? How should partners communicate?
1. Why do you say harsh words
1. Self-defense
Harvard psychologists have found that when couples get into quarrels, they usually become "injured", Some negative feelings of "helplessness" and "uncomfortable".
At this time, the brain will send out some "danger signals", and people are in a natural protection state and will enter a state of self-defense.
When people are in the self-defense stage, they will reject information input from the outside world, or take some measures to attack the other party.
So you will find that many times, when quarreling, many people refuse to communicate.
In the same quarrel, men and women will have different reactions and psychology.
Women will vent and say harsh words, such as: "I don't want to hear anything now." "That's how you are, I don't believe you anymore." But men will choose to escape or just stay silent. .
Therefore, when there is a quarrel, women like to chase and ask questions, while men like to escape.
2. Desire for attention
Sometimes, the person who speaks harshly in an argument is not really dissatisfied with you. From a deeper analysis, they just want more attention. Desire to be loved.
Some people, when they want to gain attention, are usually unwilling to express themselves directly. They want to let the other party understand their thoughts through some external performances. So they express their inner desires in an unhealthy way.
2. Harsh words affect intimate relationships
In intimate relationships, no matter who speaks harsh words Both one party and the other party being attacked will cause a lot of damage.
When two people frequently quarrel, make up, and quarrel again, over and over again, you will find that something is missing between you, which is trust.
For the person who keeps saying harsh words, on the surface, he seems to occupy a high position, but in fact he may feel uncomfortable inside. After calming down, he will fall into a deepIf you blame yourself, you will feel that the relationship has developed to this point because of yourself, and you may even slowly lose confidence in yourself.
For a person who passively accepts, even though he or she knows that you are talking unintentionally, if he or she listens too much, he or she will feel resistant in his heart and slowly lose confidence in your relationship.
When two people lose confidence in each other, it will be difficult to maintain your relationship.
3. How to carry out non-violent communication
1. Establish some principles of getting along
In daily interactions, two people establish some communication principles, which can constrain and control the words and deeds of both parties.
For example:
When you are angry, don’t talk about breakup and divorce casually;
Don’t make decisions when you are angry and emotional;
When quarreling, discuss matters as they are, and do not rise to the level of personality;
2. Calm down for 1 minute before getting angry
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When people are emotional, it is easy to say things that even they themselves cannot believe.
Therefore, when you feel like venting your emotions, let yourself calm down for a minute, or wait a minute before expressing your inner thoughts.
During this period, your reason will overcome your sensibility and you will not say anything harmful to the other person.
3. Express feelings instead of blaming and criticizing
When you are dissatisfied with something or hope that the other party will make changes, you should take the initiative to express your inner feelings instead of criticizing. There is only criticism and blame.
This kind of violent communication is just meaningless communication and has no effect.
When two people are together, one will always be impatient, one will be good-tempered, one will be irritable, and the other will be gentle. They will all tolerate and compromise with each other.
Just like what is said in the movie: The person who compromises first is not really at fault, but knows how to cherish it more.
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